You know, I was kind of dreading this day!! My first Mother’s Day since I lost my mom!! She lived a life of pain and regret and for that my heart hurts. She didn’t know how to let go and give her whole life to Jesus, yes, she was saved, yes, she was forgiven, by Jesus and by me, but unfortunately she could never completely forgive herself.
Years ago, when I was 3 my mom left. She couldn’t handle four kids. So she packed up and left us with our dad and grandparents. My nanny jumped in like you wouldn’t believe, she mothered us like we were her own. She sacrificed so much trying to take away the void of our not having a mom around full time. I thank Jesus constantly that we had Nanny, she was the one who loved me unconditionally, helped make my hurts go away, convinced me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me and that mom didn’t leave because of me. She was also the one person in my young life who taught me to love Jesus. My Nanny went to live with Jesus about 12 years ago and I have missed her tremendously!!
Growing up, we did see mom, on occasion for several years and then later, on a more set schedule, you know every other weekend, when she was in town. We had a strained relationship most of my life, but there were times of closeness, times when she WANTED to be a mom, and I cherish those times. Even though I didn’t see or talk to her daily, I knew she was there, I knew she loved me as best she could, I knew she gave all she was capable of giving at the time, and it is days like today, when I know I would have talked to her that I miss her the most, that I would give anything to talk to her one more time, to tell her one more time that I loved her and to try to convince her that I forgave her and beg her to forgive herself!!!
You know when you live your life for Jesus, you learn to give Him your burdens, you give Him your pain, you give Him your anger, you give Him your ALL and He gives you JOY, everlasting peace, unconditional love, and He fills all the voids in your life. Mom loved Jesus, but I think she kept HIM at arms length too. She didn’t forgive herself so I don’t think she could ever feel forgiven. She had severe pain from multiple back injuries and surgeries and lived the majority of her life drowning in pain medication. It took her pain, it made her forget. Unfortunately, it was this same pain medication that also took her life. I lost her last August due to her being prescribed and then taking too many different kinds of meds. I believe with everything I am that she is in Heaven with my Nanny not feeling that pain anymore. I hope and pray that during those last few moments here, she had the peace of knowing she was truly loved and forgiven.
Sometimes I wonder how I got from where I started to where I am now. I have been blessed with such a loving, caring husband and such wonderful kids!! The Lord has truly taught me the JOYs of life.
Dan and the kids pampered me today like I was a queen -
It’s always a good day when you start it with Jesus, which we did!!
The kids were all here, along with my sweet granddaughter!! Dan and the boys had planned a late lunch/early dinner, so they began prepping for the meal. I tell you, if I did one thing right as a mom beside teaching my kids to love Jesus, it was teaching them to cook and to love doing it. They made grilled halibut, grilled shrimp, baked potatoes, caesar salad, and cheesy, garlic biscuits just like Red Lobsters!!! It was wonderful. Then for dessert they made a brownie dessert pizza, again wonderful. I, for the most part, got to kick back and watch, or at least supervise!! They even cleaned it all up and you can’t even tell a bunch of boys were in my kitchen all day!! We took goofy pictures, because with my crew you can hardly ever get a serious one!! We played Quelf, which is always hilarious. We laughed until we hurt!!
Now Lindsey and her family have gone home, Dan is doing some work, and the boys are settled down watching a movie. The house is quiet for the first time today. They have kept me loved, busy, and entertained all day, and for that, I am THANKFUL!!
Thank you Jesus, for my wonderful Nanny who taught me to love you. Thank you for my beautiful mom who in her own way, taught me how to love my kids. Thank you Jesus for my wonderful husband and such loving kids who alway seem to know what I need!! Most of all, thank you Jesus for you, for your love, for your peace, and for your JOY!!
Boy, if you made it all the way to this point, I don’t know if I should say I AM SORRY, or you are my very best friend!! Probably both.
Believing you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day too!
Counting it all JOY!!