You know, I was kind of dreading this day!! My first Mother’s Day since I lost my mom!! She lived a life of pain and regret and for that my heart hurts. She didn’t know how to let go and give her whole life to Jesus, yes, she was saved, yes, she was forgiven, by Jesus and by me, but unfortunately she could never completely forgive herself.
Years ago, when I was 3 my mom left. She couldn’t handle four kids. So she packed up and left us with our dad and grandparents. My nanny jumped in like you wouldn’t believe, she mothered us like we were her own. She sacrificed so much trying to take away the void of our not having a mom around full time. I thank Jesus constantly that we had Nanny, she was the one who loved me unconditionally, helped make my hurts go away, convinced me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me and that mom didn’t leave because of me. She was also the one person in my young life who taught me to love Jesus. My Nanny went to live with Jesus about 12 years ago and I have missed her tremendously!!
Growing up, we did see mom, on occasion for several years and then later, on a more set schedule, you know every other weekend, when she was in town. We had a strained relationship most of my life, but there were times of closeness, times when she WANTED to be a mom, and I cherish those times. Even though I didn’t see or talk to her daily, I knew she was there, I knew she loved me as best she could, I knew she gave all she was capable of giving at the time, and it is days like today, when I know I would have talked to her that I miss her the most, that I would give anything to talk to her one more time, to tell her one more time that I loved her and to try to convince her that I forgave her and beg her to forgive herself!!!
You know when you live your life for Jesus, you learn to give Him your burdens, you give Him your pain, you give Him your anger, you give Him your ALL and He gives you JOY, everlasting peace, unconditional love, and He fills all the voids in your life. Mom loved Jesus, but I think she kept HIM at arms length too. She didn’t forgive herself so I don’t think she could ever feel forgiven. She had severe pain from multiple back injuries and surgeries and lived the majority of her life drowning in pain medication. It took her pain, it made her forget. Unfortunately, it was this same pain medication that also took her life. I lost her last August due to her being prescribed and then taking too many different kinds of meds. I believe with everything I am that she is in Heaven with my Nanny not feeling that pain anymore. I hope and pray that during those last few moments here, she had the peace of knowing she was truly loved and forgiven.
Sometimes I wonder how I got from where I started to where I am now. I have been blessed with such a loving, caring husband and such wonderful kids!! The Lord has truly taught me the JOYs of life.
Dan and the kids pampered me today like I was a queen -
It’s always a good day when you start it with Jesus, which we did!!
The kids were all here, along with my sweet granddaughter!! Dan and the boys had planned a late lunch/early dinner, so they began prepping for the meal. I tell you, if I did one thing right as a mom beside teaching my kids to love Jesus, it was teaching them to cook and to love doing it. They made grilled halibut, grilled shrimp, baked potatoes, caesar salad, and cheesy, garlic biscuits just like Red Lobsters!!! It was wonderful. Then for dessert they made a brownie dessert pizza, again wonderful. I, for the most part, got to kick back and watch, or at least supervise!! They even cleaned it all up and you can’t even tell a bunch of boys were in my kitchen all day!! We took goofy pictures, because with my crew you can hardly ever get a serious one!! We played Quelf, which is always hilarious. We laughed until we hurt!!
Now Lindsey and her family have gone home, Dan is doing some work, and the boys are settled down watching a movie. The house is quiet for the first time today. They have kept me loved, busy, and entertained all day, and for that, I am THANKFUL!!
Thank you Jesus, for my wonderful Nanny who taught me to love you. Thank you for my beautiful mom who in her own way, taught me how to love my kids. Thank you Jesus for my wonderful husband and such loving kids who alway seem to know what I need!! Most of all, thank you Jesus for you, for your love, for your peace, and for your JOY!!
Boy, if you made it all the way to this point, I don’t know if I should say I AM SORRY, or you are my very best friend!! Probably both.
Believing you all had a wonderful Mother’s Day too!
Counting it all JOY!!
Angel
6 comments:
I made it through your post and you don't have to be sorry! It was a lovely post that spoke the truth. My mom also left when I was 10 and my brother was 5. She didn't want that life of being a SAHM anymore and left me with my dad who was in the Navy at the time. We were in school and after we went to a thing on base called Fast Break after school for about 1 hour before my dad picked us up. My mother came to this little town where she partied. She ended up leaving here and moved to a bigger city 4 hours from here. My dad got saved during all of this. No more drinking, abusing me, smoking you name it he was delivered! I didn't know Jesus then nor did I want to. I just wanted my mom and then I didn't and had hate for her since she left. I tried to come live with her a few times but we didn't get along and as soon as I acted "bad" talking back, slamming doors, she would send me back to my dad. I didn't have that unconditional love from her. IF I made her mad by saying something mean she could go months to a year ignoring me without no problem. I developed this habit from her as I got older when I was mad at someone I acted like they didn't mean anything to me and life was better without them. My brother was favored by my mom which I don't blame her for since he was such a good boy not giving her problems. He eventually went to live with her. Right before then though my dad was on a mission to find me a mom. BAD idea!!!! He found a VERY nice lady that liked me and my brother, that is BEFORE they got married. After they got married her and her 2 boys came to live with us. My dad backslid and is still living in his sin. It got worse than it ever was for the next 6 years I was beat everyday. My brother wasn't and he went to live with my mom. My ex step mother would hold my brother and have her kids beat him.... I didn't even protect him since I got it from my dad I figured he deserved it. He was such a precious tiny little guy and I should have protected him. The food would be taken from us as well.
WHen they would argue my dad would say well then the kids aren't going to eat today sometimes that would go on for 3,4,5 days in a row. Thanksgiving and Christmas I hated. We would think we are going to eat food!!!! Then they would fight and my dad would throw the ham or turkey out the back door in the dirt and the rest down the sink. If his now ex wife said I did something even when i didn't it was her word against mine. Sometimes she was telling the truth and sometimes she wasn't regardless he would always believe her and I would get beat. He would yell are you calling my wife a liar??? I would say no but I didn't do this or that. One time he was punching the sides of my head so hard I saw flashing lights.. I prayed if there were a God that he would kill me or them. I prayed to die so many times and tried to take my life many times as well. God had his hand upon my life and had a plan for me. I had hate towards my mom and dad. WHen I got saved I forgave them and love them so much. My dad is a VERY bad drinker, but I know he will come back to the Lord. I talked with him today and he didn't even know what day it was. He says that he beat me to make me stronger and thinks I'm this tough girl. Before I was saved I was VERY mean and had soo much anger, I had a filthy mouth and drank and fought. I didn't care if it was a guy either. I was stupid not tough. God has really changed me and has and still is doing a work in me. My mom is Catholic (I was raised) and is still in her sin. I witness to her but right now satan is decieving her to thinking she can do the things she is doing and make heaven her home. He won't for long though. My brother forgives me for being such a bad sister and not protecting him, God forgives me and I had to as well. I tear up thinking about it, but I wasn't saved then and we are different people then always putting us first. I have been saved 2 years in Sep and had to realize that everything in the past has been covered by His blood!
I'm glad you had your Nanny there! I'm also sorry to hear you don't have your mother here, but you'll see her and your Nanny again!!!
I'm glad you had such a wonderful Mother's Day! I had a great one also! 2 sermons and Sunday School!! LOVE God's word and conviction!!! :) I'm ssooo sorry this was a long comment. PLEASE forgive me!!!
I'm happy you can have the peace of knowing were your Mom is and that the pain she suffered in her earthly life is done!
I'm glad you had a good day and were spoiled by your family. I was too!
Well I made it to the end. How could I not, it was a beautiful. And I can only imagine the pain you went through growing up. But I love the peace you have now about everything and I Love how the Lord totally watched over you.
Your Mother's Day sounded fabulous and the food, well, YUM!
You are so blessed, but I know you already know that.
HUGS to you sweet sister.
Kim
What a wonderful post. You life is the perfect example of God's perfect love for us & how he can restore broken & hurt hearts. You are a wonderful daughter, mother, wife & grandmother.
Blessed for sure!
So glad your Mother's Day was a sweet one!
Hugs,
Mimi
I made it to the end and I loved every word!
I am glad that you made it through the 'first' mother's day after losing your mom. I can remember my first father's day after losing my precious daddy. I will continue to pray for you.
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